Parasitic Twins

In the late 1800s an Indian boy named Laloo was born as normal as any boy, with the exception of his grotesque parasitic twin. Poor Laloo had a little brother jutting out right from his torso. There were two arms, two legs, a small body, and no head. The limbs couldn't move, but Laloo could sense when his brother was touched. Laloo eventually exhibited himself with P.T. Barnum, and with his twin dressed in cute matching clothes, he probably earned a fortune. Laloo isn't alone in history. Many people have been sentenced to a life of shlepping half-formed twins. Way back in the 1600s Lazarus-Joannes Baptista Colloredo was born with a parasitic twin, complete with head. He managed to marry and have children (Lazarus, not the twin). In the 1930s Betty Lou Williams carried her sister around and let curious onlookers enjoy the sight at Ripley's and other sideshows.

These people, and any other person who's suffered with such a dangling twin, are truly brave. Having a parasitic twin can't be fun. Or can it?

I feel very fortunate that no brotherly body is popping out of mine. However, if I was born like Lazarus, Laloo, or little Betty Lou, I would've made the most of it. I would've worn my twin like a proud badge of honor. I would've named him Jimmy.

Childhood with Jimmy

As a kid, I would've treated Jimmy like a toy. I would've taken my action figures and had them fight the little fella. I would've picked his fingernails after I was finished with my own. In boring classes at school I would've made Jimmy wave to cute girls sitting nearby. I would've made him throw pencils or erasers at the ugly girls, then blamed it on him when the teacher got upset. What could she do? Punish a child who doesn't even have a head to think what he was doing was wrong? And certainly I, as a host body, could not be responsible. Am I my brother's keeper? Well, only in a matter of speaking. If kids tried to make fun of me, I'd lift up my shirt and show them the gory details of Jimmy's misshapen limbs and the clinging fleshy threads of skin holding him to my body. Then I'd make his hand touch them and scare the pants off of those bullies.

A Man and a Half

Having Jimmy as an adult would naturally pose a few problems, but it would also create opportunities. I know it wouldn't have been easy to find a girl who's attracted to superfluous limbs and such. I don't know how ol' Lazarus did it, but you've got to figure his wife may have had a few issues of her own. But I think Jimmy and I would have made a good team. I would've dressed him up in fun little outfits so girls would find him simply adorable. They would've come over to look at Jimmy and said, "Aaw, he's such a cute little boy!" It would've been as good a chick magnet as a puppy. Nothing wins over a girl like making her laugh. I would've tied some strings to Jimmy's arms and legs and then pulled them like a marionette to make him dance a nifty jig. I would've learned ventriloquism and made Jimmy whisper sweet nothings in their ears, and insult their boyfriends. He would've had the ladies in hysterics. They would've been so giddy that they'd want to learn more, and that's when I'd make my big move. Sex would definitely have been awkward. The easiest thing may have been if I found a young lady who also had a parasitic twin. Then Jimmy could get some action, too. Then again, I wonder if I could have ever been attracted to a girl with a twin hanging beneath her breasts. Such a girl would probably best hidden away somewhere. But if I found a girl who was as freaky sexually as I was physically, I'd be okay. She could limb-fuck Jimmy for a kinky mŽnage ˆ trois.

Big Ideas

Jimmy and I would've gotten any job I wanted. If an employer ever turned me down I could say I was discriminated against because I had a small body protruding from my own. I would've bought Jimmy a bowtie. We would've been great at sales because everyone would sympathetically buy something from a guy with a parasitic twin, especially if I let them touch him. Heck, I could've sold tampons to men. It would've been worth it just to tell their friends that they just bought some stuff from a guy with a parasitic twin. Top that story. I'd take long lunches because there would be two of us to feed.

We could've gotten a handicapped parking permit because who would question the difficulty in carrying around a second body at all times? I would've broken the ice at parties by walking up to some beer-nursing sap or wine-sipping dame and said, "Hey, what's up? Have you ever seen a parasitic twin?" We would've accepted donations. I would've made little video tapes of me and Jimmy running, swimming, jumping, or watching TV and sold them on eBay. I would've gotten free trips to Disneyland from Maury Povich. I would've accused Jimmy of sleeping with my white trash wife on Jerry Springer. The little bastard! I would've made pregnant women on public transportation give up their seats for me. And I would've made sure to always have an empty seat next to me on any ride. A naked Jimmy would make people keep their distance. I would've told dumb people that Jimmy was the Messiah and that I was his holy host body and that all should worship Jimmy because one day he would emerge from within me and show his true omnipotence and judgment would reign down on them. They would've prayed to Jimmy and sent him money and sung songs praising his deformed little legs. Jimmy would've spoken to them and listened to their problems. People would've waved signs at football games reading "Jimmy 3:17". The believers would have been saved. Or whatever.

I would've met Michael Jordan. I would've gotten a dotted line tattooed around the area where Jimmy was attached to me. We would've won every Halloween costume contest effortlessly (I'd keep the whole prize). I would've posed with tourists for a hefty fee. Any accidental and embarrassing flatulence would've been blamed squarely on the damn parasite. I would've paid the child's admission price at the movies, claiming that the ticket was for Jimmy, and that I was the parasitic twin leeching off his body. We would've stood outside circuses and stolen business (with apologies to Laloo and Betty Lou).

I would've tried helping less fortunate people who were maybe a little down on their luck because they had bad acne, slight retardation, or maybe had just lost a job or maybe an eye. I would've gone up to them and said, "Hey, you know what? You're pretty darn lucky. Look at me. I've got a goddamn parasitic twin hanging off my body. I've got four arms and four legs like some fucking comic book mutant. I can't sleep on my belly without getting punched in the stomach." Hearing something like that would really make people appreciate what they had, and not feel so bad about their trivial misfortunes. Of course, I wouldn't have traded places with them for a minute. Jimmy and I would've been having way too much fun.