Feet!

by Jessica Delfino

It's not easy being the owner of such famous feet. I know that might sound strange, but it has become a way of life for me. Yes, having the responsibility of two feet that want to be actresses/models is not, by any means, an easy path to pursue. It is somewhat comparable to being a showbiz mom. The truth is, I happen to have extremely talented feet, and who am I to hold them back from realizing their dreams? The only thing is, the career of my feet varies a bit from the career of your typical "actress" or "model's" call of duty. My feet are more or less what you might call porn stars.

Today, I am going to walk you through our schedule. Few ever get to experience the real life "behind the scenes of a famous foot" so this should be quite a treat for fans.

Our day usually starts early, but today, we had to wake very early, because we have a long day ahead of us. At 5:45 am, ReneŽ the live-in foot trainer woke my feet as he usually does; by lightly tapping the brass foot-shaped knocker which hangs on my bedroom door. It is ReneŽ's job to help me keep my feet in tip top condition, and he is paid but well to do so. ReneŽ has helped my feet to develop each their own specific identity. Maggie, on the right, gives off the impression of being the shy type, but she is all woman. She likes being touched and takes pride in her sleek image. She is a real go-getter, with brains to boot! Helena is a bit more kinky. If it were up to her, she would wear nothing but black leather and lace, and wear a little bit too much makeup.

Yes, she is ready for love at any given moment, and not a bit shy. ReneŽ examined Maggie and Helena first thing in the morning for any blisters, bumps, dirt, lint, and what have you before they even got out of bed, as is his daily ritual to prepare him mentally for what must be done to them. I helped the girls up and into a special sort of contraption we had developed called the "Spunky" chair. "Spunky" is a 5-speed sit-down human caddy of sorts. It is their main source of transportation around the house, since, they have an unfortunate handicap; they were born without arms or legs. So as you can only imagine, my job is harder than you might have expected. Typically, "Spunky" is reserved for the elderly and crazy people, but in this case, we developed it specifically for the needs of my "special" little feet. Every time I walk, I am putting them at risk by placing over a hundred pounds on my legs which eventually drifts down into my feet, and that averages about 65 pounds per foot. Imagine walking around with 65 pounds on YOUR shoulders, ALL DAY! Yeah, they don't like it either.

Enchaired, we rode as the team that we are into the foot parlor where the girls and I have purchased hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of mechanical devices aimed at working my feet's asses off. You won't find an ounce of fat on either foot. No flabbage and no cabbage. Since they are handicapped, I think that ReneŽ purposely pushes them to perform, to make them feel like they can do anything that any other foot could do. And how! They are near perfect. Their soles have a healthy pink shimmer and each of their toenail's moon seems to smile with the pride that only the best feet can radiate. Their toenails are clipped perfectly along the top of the head of each of their toes and curl lovingly into the corners where each of their nails meets their fleshy, toned rumps.

My feet don't eat much; and today, as usual, they skipped breakfast all together, much to the disapproval of ReneŽ. If it were up to him, they would be drinking protein shakes and taking vitamins and what have you. But they are my feet and they will do as they please, as long as they are attached to my legs. Renee began their training session with circles. First to the left, then to the right; then a stretch; up and down. It's a wonder that they don't get sick and vomit all over my ankles. Next came toe stretches. They hate that. Then a wonderful massage. We all enjoy a nice rub. Next, the soaking. I feel badly about covering them in water, because in a way, it is like I am drowning them. I just raise them out of the water now and then to check their pulses. In addition, the water is very hot sometimes, and it is all I can do to drown out their tiny screaming voices until the water cools. But ReneŽ constantly reminds me that I must push them, push them, push them. It is no mistake that my feet are stars. They are well trained and work hard.

After the training session, rub, soak and dry, they got their daily primping which usually lasts an hour or more. ReneŽ gets on his hands and knees and goes over them with a fine tooth comb; plucking any ingrown hairs, scrubbing raw skin, clipping aloof toenails, filing, glossing and using his judgment and beauty school education to determine the best colors and textures to give them their award-winning look. Today, they are in pretty good shape to begin with, except that Maggie is being stubborn and difficult to work with. Sometimes she just likes to be left alone.

When they are finished being primped, we all say a group prayer. This is also a daily ritual, though I am not what you might call an exemplary symbol of morals and values. I do, however, have faith that my god has helped me get this far. Maggie and Helena are devout christians. They truly love their almighty father and love prayer time. We have developed our own prayer that comes from the heart of a foot so that God knows that it is not just me talking, but Maggie and Helena as well. It goes a little something like this:

Dear Lord, Thank you for dying for our soles. You give us faith and hope. You help us to carry the weight which is attached to our ankles. Without you, we would be just average appendages. Thank you for making us beautiful and famous. Thank you for pumice. And most of all, thank you for keeping us free from evil fungi. Amen.

With our morning routine out of the way, it is time for our itinerary. Trishica is our agent. She faxed us our day, right on time. The first thing we are going to do today is get interviewed over the phone by Howard Stern about our new website, www.feetareneat.com. I wait for the phone to ring, and it is Howard's buddy, Gary Dellabate.

GARY: Hi, Jessica?
JESSICA: Yeah, it's me. The girls are on three-way. (I have had a special foot phone built so that they can hear what is going on and speak if they wish, but rarely do. They trust me, I guess.)
GARY: OK. Turn off your radio, because sometimes that will confuse you. You are going on the air next, okay?
JESSICA: OK. (We are put on hold for about a minute or so. The girls are growing impatient.)
HOWARD: Now we have a special treat for you freaks who are into feet. It is a woman whose feet are featured on her own internet foot fetish web site. Hi, Jessica.
JESSICA: Hi, Howard. My feet say Hi, too. (Sound effect of some black guy talking)
HOWARD: Your feet say hi, huh? Great. Hi to your feet. So, tell me...what makes you think that the world wants to see your stinky, smelly feet?
JACKIE: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....
JESSICA: Oh, no, you must have my feet confused with some other feet. My foot trainer goes to great lengths to make sure that Helena and Maggie are in ... (I am cut off by Howard)
HOWARD: Hold on a minute now, lemme get this straight. You....have...named your feet and given them an identity, and you train them.
JACKIE: That's very strange! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha JESSICA: Well, yes. Duh. You have kids, you named them, right?
HOWARD: Yeah, but they are my kids, not limbs attached to my body. You're not all there, are you?
JACKIE: No, she's not all there. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....that's riDICulous!!!
HOWARD: What do you look like?
JESSICA: Well, I really called to talk about what my feet look like.
JACKIE: Oh, brother... (Sound effect of a fart)
HOWARD: Are you some kind of freak? You probably weigh 400 pounds. JACKIE: Ha ha ha ha haha ha ha ha
GARY: Duh, Howard, I saw her picture, she ain't too hot, boff. (Sound effect of a very loud fart)
JESSICA: Well, if you want to see my picture, log onto the website; it's www.feetareneat.com.
HOWARD: feet...are...what?
JESSICA: ....neat....n....e.....a.....
HOWARD: I know how to spell neat, stupid. (Sound effect of a cuckoo clock) JACKIE: Ah, hahahahah ha ha ha HA!
JESSICA: Sorry.
HOWARD: (clicking on keys) I need a password...
JESSICA: Yeah, whoops....
HOWARD: Oh, this is taking way too long. What are you, some kind of slut? JESSICA: No, I am really just your average girl who happens to be in posession of two very superbly talent ed feet.
HOWARD & JACKIE Simultaneously: Oh, jeez. (Sound effect of a slide whistle) JOHN: Sh-Sh-Sh-she told me she wanted to meet you an-an-an I-I-I said she couldn't and her agent kept calling....and.....
HOWARD: Ok, so what do you want with me, Jessica?
JESSICA: I just heard you had a foot fetish, and my agent said you would be interested in talking to me and my feet....
HOWARD: So, what; you wanna come in and show me your feet
JESSICA: Well, they would like to meet you.....
HOWARD: Okay, hold for the producer, we'll get your number and have you....and your feet on the show. This broad is freaking me out. She's schizophrenic or some thing.... (Sound effect of a boing)

I hold for the producer and a minute or two later, he comes on and asks me for my number. He is rude and abrupt with me and hangs up without saying goodbye to me or Maggie or Helena. I feel badly for them that there are people out there who don't understand what is like to be handicapped, but this is the way they learn. It's not an easy row to hoe; the life of a famous foot.

Next on our list, we have a shoot for a fetish magazine. I leave it up to ReneŽ to choose the perfect garb for the girls. He chooses a new pair of black strappy sandals with something that resembles an icepick centered under the heel. They are new and flashy; leather, with some kind of ornament around the ankle. They were a gift from a designer in Italy who loves our work. It's free advertising for him, as well, so we both win. We arrive fashionably late, as it always takes a little bit longer than expected for me to Spunk it out to the car. The driver is ridiculously slow and I make a mental note not to use him anymore. I stretch the girls out on the leather interior and choose not to strangle them in the confining straps just yet. As we get closer, I slip them into the shoes, well aware of their miniature screams. The driver lets us out and the photographer welcomes us himself, at the door. We shoot for about an hour in an array of poses. We shoot with the shoes on, we shoot with the shoes off. We shoot with one shoe on and one shoe off. We shoot with different shoes. We shoot with one kind of shoe on Maggie and another kind of shoe on Helena. When we are through, the photographer treats me to lunch.

We bid the photographer adieu at approximately 3:30 and head to our favorite shoe designer. Amelio really knows how to treat my feet. As always, when I arrive, he stops everything he is doing. He runs over to me and ushers me into a soft, padded chair. "Ah, Jessica! I am so glad you have decided to surprise me with this visit! I have something for you....but first....how are the ladies?" He slips my shoes off, peers at the label, scoffs and tosses them one by one to the side. In front of a room full of people, he has no shame. He kisses and coos them by name. "Oh, I can not tell who is the finer foot....Helena or Maggie? Each so beautiful; each so soft and voluptious.....each a beautiful example of the art of the creator!!!" They bask in his sensual touches and I can almost see their creases form into a blissful smile. Amelio goes into the back and when he returns, he is followed by a goofy looking boy who is carrying more boxes than he really can hold. He places them gently in front of us like an offering. Amelio goes through each box with us like he is showing us a photo album. "These, I made for you to attend bed in. And these for the beach....And these, for your next photo session; and these for an evening out...." The list goes on and on. He bags them up for us and the goofy employee boy carries them out to my car. Amelio kisses me on the lips, and bends over, kissing each of my feet before we disappear in a slow spiral of gray smoke.

It is now going on 5:30 and we all have to go home and change and primp for a fashion show at 8 pm. ReneŽ greets us with open arms, talking sweetly to my feet and coaching them as they rest within the warm confines of Spunky's foot rests. I bathe and ReneŽ bathes Helena and Maggie. I finish before them, but I must wait for them and I grow impatient. The hustle and bustle of the day has left me antsy and a bit famished. "Come on, now....let's go!" ReneŽ shoots me a look that could curdle honey and I let him finish scrubbing between their digits. I then step over him where Spunky is waiting. I don't like doing fashion shows so much because I have to walk a lot; sometimes fast; sometimes in very uncomfortable shoes. There are often lots of girls and their feet backstage and feet sometimes fight and trample each other in jealous fits. Maggie is well behaved, but Helena has a tendancy to sneak a stomp in here and there. I have warned her not to do this but she seems to have a mind of her own, sometimes. The show goes over without a hitch. While we are riding home, Maggie falls asleep on top of Helena, which I think is so cute. Watching them cuddled together nearly brings tears to my eyes. It makes me think of the days when my feet were no one. When they were nothing but just plain old feet. Those days are gone now. I am not sure of tomorrow's complete itinerary; I know we are going to the premiere of our newest film; "Eva Charms the Starter" which is a foot-car pedal porn film. Feet and car pedals making love may seem somewhat risque, but it is not much different than, say, a Puerto Rican making love to a cocker spaniel or the like. Plus, the girls have plenty of self esteem and are sure of who they are. In the afternoon, I believe we have a go-see with "Phat Feet" a company that produces socks and shoes, and Maggie and Helena are getting new head shots done. I am not sure what else is going to happen, as the events change from day to day, and sometimes get cancelled, delayed or rescheduled at only a moment's notice.

I would like to thank all our fans for sticking by us. Sometimes it is still strange to go to a restaurant and I know people are staring at my feet. I just want to go over to them and say, "What? Haven't you ever seen handicapped porno star feet before?" But I just let it go. I know there will come a time when feet will rise up and unite. The world will change their point of view from what's on top to what's on bottom. Sometimes people ask me if any of my other appendages get jealous. As you can imagine, my legs get plenty of attention. My head is always in the news. I have to say, there are times when I know my ankles feel a little left out. But the future is uncertain. Who knows what could happen? We all hope you wait and see.

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